I’m ok, I’m not ok

 In Without Category

My editor is back. Yesterday she was in my head as I was hanging the washing, “so you really thought you could live without me?” Yes. I genuinely did. I felt so free, the truth is lockdown cracked me open and I experienced so much joy and creativity and flow and deep deep presence during that time and I feel like I have just fallen out of the tree onto some rocks and I am now bumping down an escarpment wondering when I will hit the ground.

Up there during lockdown I had the most magical glorious view. Perspective, like a bird wings open basking in the sun. Happy.

Weird that I needed a cage to feel the most intense joy. People say that resilient people thrive in strange circumstances. I thrived when my freedoms were taken away. I thrived when someone else made decisions for me. The government said don’t go out unless to the shop or to the pharmacy or health centre. I didn’t go out. Simple. Easy, pure and true. I found my freedom within and it was glorious there. 

I am given back my freedom and I am creating my own cages, I am scared. I am ok. I am not ok. I don’t even know what ok is. In lockdown I found my centre but right now I can’t find my ground. I long to be back up in that tree again looking out over the view, feeling the sun on my feathers, I mean skin. 

Weird that the analogy is a tree. I remember when I was younger (and up until about ten years ago) when I needed to make a decision I would climb a tree to get perspective. Decision making tree – that’s a thing right? At least it sounds like it was back in the day when I did consulting work. What a lifetime ago that was. 

I found my centre but I lost my ground. Because all that I knew to be normal and true has been called into question and I can’t find my ground anymore. I don’t know that I can rely on what I thought I could rely on. 

I don’t know if I am having a moment of ‘waking up’ or a moment of ‘losing my grip’. 

Why is it that when things opened up I shut down? It doesn’t make sense to me. It feels like I am the only mad one around here, everyone else seems to be carrying on with life and going back to ‘normal’ and I feel like saying – “wait did I miss something here?”

It was too good to be true. I needed my freedom taken away to find my greatest inner peace. How messed up is that? And now my freedom has been given back to me the noise of ‘expectation’ is so loud I can’t hear my inner voice anymore. I don’t know where she went. Is she still at the top of the tree or did she spread her wings and fly as soon as she heard the government say ‘it is safe to open the gate.’

Doubt waited until I could open my garden gate to creep in. It is as if she were sitting on the pavement outside ready to pounce. 

As I did my exercises this morning I saw the phrase I have written on my vision board, something I got from Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed I vow to ‘FEEL it all.’ This is ALL. This is now. This is shadow, darkness, discomfort, doubt, despair, doom all things beginning with d… because the other letters in the alphabet they just don’t cut it. D is for death. Is this the death of something? I don’t know. 


No longer in control.

Lockdown set me free and opening up has me shutting down. I’m ok. I’m not ok. I don’t remember how to know the difference. 

[July 9th 2020]
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